rosamaybefearless

Getting my jabs done was fine.

I had typhoid and hepatitis A done which are free of charge. But I need to arrange to get my other vaccines and immunisations done - which will cost quitealotof £££ O_O I’m going to get a course of hepatitis B and rabies <— need three vaccinations of each. I’ll need just one shot of Japanese encephalitis and I’ll get a course of cholera sorted out as well, but I think that’s something that you need to drink :S …plus I need to get malaria tablets too!!

I’m popping into a big pharmacy tomorrow to see what their prices are like compared to the surgery…and then I’ll probably make a few phone calls on Monday to other places to enquire about their prices as well. Bloomin’ eck this is a bit of a bother. But it’ll be worth it :D

So I also saw my doctor as well. My blood pressure is stable aaaand he says he’s pleased with how I’m doing. I was weighed and I was expecting to be a bit more than usual as I’m currently on my period…and I was. But I was able to rationalise and not go into a panic over it. But even if my weight did remain as it was today then I’m actually just starting to not even care. Like I actually don’t give a monkeys?! It really does not mean anything. Which is how I’d like my feelings surrounding weight to remain…

Oh, and I had my appointment with my care co-ordinator/therapist and we startedto  work on my ‘WRAP’ -.- I’m trying to be open-minded about it and I do see that it’s something that could really help…but it just feels a bit namby-pamby if that makes sense? :S

AND IT’S FRIDAY!! Yay…I’m going to do a little bit of school work, make my evening meal and then slip into bed with ‘Dexter’ and bag of cookies. Purrfect ^.^ 

Hope you’ve all had a great week and enjoy your weekend as well!! <3

Getting all my jabs done for travelling and then seeing my GP and getting weighed!! Really don’t to be weighed :’((

…lots of rushing around and my legs feel like jelly from the extra dance class rehearsals tonight!! 

The therapy group was really good…I’d done my ‘homework’ and created this long list and explanation of all the things that I feel have contributed towards the development of my eating disorder; I felt really exposed and vulnerable when I was reading out loud and going through it, but I also felt so relieved. And everyone was so lovely about it and said that they felt to privileged to have been allowed to know more about me because I don’t really reveal an awful lot about myself…

So yeah. I’m absolutely shattered so I’m going to crawl into bed and probably watch an episode of ‘Dexter’ before hopefully falling into a deep and restful sleep.

Another busy-ish day tomorrow: getting my jabs done!!…and then seeing my GP; going to school and then doing more after school revision; and then I have my first session to start working on my ‘WRAP’ (y_ which should be interesting.

I hope you’re all doing fabulous and taking care of yourselves - you’re genuinely worth so much more than you realise <3

First there’s having to gain weight.

The bloating, the farting, the constipation, the runs, and the water retention that can leave you feeling like a puffer fish.

Feeling up and down and going through episodes of constant crying ~ sometimes for no apparent reason.

There’s the extreme fullness and the extreme hunger.

Feeling as though you’re always doing the wrong thing and never knowing whether to feel weak or strong.

Having awful skin and crying when your hair doesn’t seem to stop falling out.

There’s having to get over the fear of certain foods and drinks. Eating in front of people. Eating out?!

Having to dig deep and unearth some of the root causes behind your disordered ways…feeling disturbed and angry and unsettled and relieved and justified and sad and overwhelmed and enlightened all at the same time.

There’s the lapsed thinking and possible (re)lapses into disordered behaviour. Hating every single thing about yourself. Just wishing that you could turn back.

Resisting the urge to restrict or purge or self-harm.

Having to completely retrain your brain and your thinking and your behaviours - setting different standards and goals and motivations.

It’s absolutely exhausting.

But it’s worth it.

It’s worth it to genuinely smile and actually mean it when you say to someone that you’re ‘okay’….you might even be able to say you’re ‘doing great’

It’s worth it to laugh out loud…to laugh along with your friends until tears stream down your face and your stomach hurts.

It’s worth it to be able to go to school, to university, to drive, to travel, to appreciate your body, to enjoy spending time with your friends and family…

…to live just one day without an eating disorder.

• these awful caffeine withdrawal headaches
• having to go back onto supplements that my GP has prescribed <— causing bloating, gas, constipation…the works
• that I’ve broken out into a load of spots slightexaggerationbutitstillain’tcool!!
• that I’ve come onto my period

^…oh, and I’ve worked out that if my period comes when it’s supposed to then I’ll be on for my exams, for my holiday to Tenerife with my girlfriends, my Mum’s 60th which we’ll be going away for, and the first week that I go to Asia O_O uuuuuuuuuuuuuurgh!! FML

but I’m not going to allow myself to feel like crap. I shall accept the fact that this week will most likely consist of my body being puffy and bloated and crampy and just roll with it. I will nourish myself with laaaarvely food and have a few sweet treats along the way. I will not force myself to do an exercise that I don’t actually ~want~ to do. I will treat myself with kindness and try my hardest to ignore any negative thoughts or feelings <3

/end pep-talk!!

It’s been a tiring weekend!!

My sister and niece have left now, it was so nice to see them but two full days is enough for me ;)) we’ve just tidied the house (they leave a lot of mess!!) so I feel a bit calmer as well. 

My eating has had no structure this weekend - I’ve been on autopilot and just kind of munching a lot rather than having my evening meals - so I feel as though I’ve eaten absolutely loooooads but I probably haven’t eaten any more than I usually would. So stay calm, Rosa. It was kind of sad though when the rest of the family were eating really nice meals that my Dad had made (he’s an amaaazing cook) and to not be offered any pudding…and seeing my little niece eat a huge bowl of cheesy pasta with some sausages on the side :’(( I realised that I really just want to be rid of this stupid eating disorder and just be ‘normal’ and allow myself to eat whatever the bloody hell I want to eat O_O I need to rant about this to my dietician when I next see her. 

I decided this weekend that I would be going cold turkey on my caffeine intake and not having ANY Pepsi Max <— ooooooooooooouch :’(( I have had the worst headache all weekend and I’m actually in a really irritable mood right now, which sucks. I’ve been a lot hungrier which is good but also makes me confused and sends me into a slight state on panic :’(( but this WILL get better. I just need to and want to tough this out - I don’t want to be caffeine dependent!! And as a way of motivation I’m putting whatever money I would have spent on caffeinated drinks into my travel fund £££ envelope :D  <— this makes the pain worthwhile!! 

My sister’s friend also came over today to talk to me about travelling around Thailand. She’s lived over there for the last three years and has come back to England to settle down. She was absolutely lovely and wrote sooo much stuff down for me. Little tips and a long list of the places that I should go to :3 I’m getting so excited!! 

Eeeeerm, yeah. I think that’s a pretty full update…

I hope you’ve had a laaarvely weekend <3 

• I’ve been doing really well with cutting down on my Pepsi Max intake :’))

• My sister and niece are coming to stay for the weekend - I haven’t seen them for aaaages so I’m really looking forward to it. They should be here any moment now <3 and I’m a little nervous because I’ve only gained like a little bit of weight readnearlytwostone since I last saw my sister…

• I’ve done this huge diagram for my therapy group which has on it basically ALL of the things that I think have contributed to and triggered my eating disorder…tis rather interesting and quite big O_O

• I’ve booked my appointment to get my jabs next week :S not sure what I’m having done or how much it’ll cost but I’m also getting my malaria tablets sorted out as well…eeeeek!!

• I <3 snapchat - feel free to message me with your username :D

• I’ve signed up to do the color run in Manchester on 21st July <— so freakin’ excited…I’m running to raise money for my local ED support charity. I’ll probably put up some details so that donations can be made if you wants to :3 

HAPPY FRIDAY!! <3

I thought my bloods were okay *sigh*

…just had a phone call from the surgery and I have to pick up my prescriptions tomorrow -.- I’ll ring my dietician and tell her as well…

~disappointed~

I don’t want that.

I want to be healthy.

I want to eat a balanced diet which is substantial enough to fuel me.

I want to do a normal amount of exercise that I enjoy.

I want to do these things and accept how my body looks when I’m doing these things.

Sounds so simple, right?!

phhht…yeah, it ain’t O_O I need to work hard to try and get into this mindset!!

But here I gooooooo :D